I really don't like this time of year. For one thing December feels so long and dark. January can't come soon enough for me. And then there's Xmas.
I grew up in a Christian family (albeit nominal observance) where Christmas was a wonderful time of year. I have plenty of warm, fuzzy memories from childhood. There is definitely a magical feeling in the air during this season. But I remember how crushed I was when at age 6 (I think) a cousin spilled the beans after xmas dinner that Santa wasn't real. That was the beginning of the downhill slide I guess. When I became a parent I decided that I was not going to perpetuate this lie to my kids. Even though we celebrated xmas, my kids grew up knowing Santa wasn't real and the presents in the stocking were from their parents. This created quite the conflict with some of my family members who did not want their children around ours at xmas time in case our children would say anything about Santa not being real. On my husband's side of the family it was more of the same awkwardness. I remember the last xmas we shared at my husband's brother's home. Keep in mind at this time in our lives we were very conservative christians and they are totally non-religious and secular. Their xmas eve tradition was to read a Santa story before the kids were put to bed. So instead of including our kids in the reading they took their kids to the bedroom to read the story while we sat in the living room wondering what was up, all because they were afraid our kids might inadvertently say something. We could not get our families to understand that we had taught our kids to be respectful of other peoples beliefs and practices concerning xmas. We were so different! No Santa, then no tree after 1996 and then NO xmas at all after 2000. Yep, we stopped celebrating xmas at all 10 years ago.
2001 was our first Chanukah celebration. :)
I don't miss xmas at all. Spiritually it is a bankrupt holiday misleading the faithful. In a secular sense it is everything I detest about our materialistic world. So why does this time of year make me so blue if I honestly don't miss the festive season? Well for one thing, here in Canada, it is everywhere. You cannot escape the fact that it is xmas time for 1 waking second. TV, radio, internet, newspapers are all bursting with ads for items none of us needs. Everywhere you go xmas music plays endlessly and your neighbours are busily decorating their homes and wishing everyone they meet a merry xmas. I don't begrudge my family and friends happy times. Not at all. But it is SO overwhelming.
I think I am so blue and counting the seconds until it is over because I feel lost. I feel stuck in a no-man's land between Christianity and Judaism. This year will be our 10th year of Chanukah light. I really do love the holiday. It is much more fulfilling and meaningful to me. But I am still an outsider. I am on the outside of both Christianity and Judaism. And how does one really truly celebrate a holiday without interaction from a community?
I have no desire to return to a xmas observance. I do not have a home in Christianity anymore and neither do I desire one. I have contemplated celebrating xmas in a secular context similar to the people of other faiths I see around me but I just can't do it. It's not MY holiday anymore. It has no hold or appeal for me. And even though I love Chanukah and all that it represents, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in.
So I'm planning my Chanukah menus, getting our Chanukkiahs ready and counting the days until Xmas is over. January will come, daylight hours will increase and maybe I will be a little closer to figuring out where my place is in this world. sigh.
