Clarity

I don't feel quite so muddled and confused regarding Christmas after listening to an excellent lecture by Lawrence Kelemen. He also speaks a bit about New Year's celebrations. It's always good to be reminded of these things. It doesn't make it all any easier to deal with, but it helps.

http://www.simpletoremember.com/vitals/Christmas_TheRealStory.htm

Here I Am

So I'm terrible at blogging...have you noticed?! :)

Lots and nothing really has happened in the past few months. It seems it's the same old, same old but in Vernon, BC instead of Airdrie, AB.

I'm so ready for the holiday season to be over. Chanukah was very quiet for hubby and me this year. It was the first time for being totally by ourselves during the holidays. Very strange and I didn't like it!

Chanukah ended at sundown on Dec. 12 this year. The Christmas season was ramping up all around us and I have been mulling it all over for several weeks.

My journey out of Christendom has led me in some very different and diverse directions. I don't regret any of it because I believe I wouldn't be where I am on my journey today and I like where I am now. But I do regret my own reaction to some of the "places" I've been on this path and I regret some of my interactions with loved ones during these times. So this has been very much at the forefront of my mind as I’ve pondered the Christmas celebrations all around us.

Hubby and I haven't celebrated Christmas for about 6 or 7 years and we haven't put up a tree for about 13 years. I really don't miss it. What I do miss is being part of something bigger than just my immediate family. I miss all the warm fuzzies from big family celebrations, the preparation and anticipation of an event that nearly everyone around is getting ready for. I wonder if maybe I'm just being too rigid or idealistic in my thinking. Are we missing out on good times with extended family for no good reason? I'm curious how people from other faith backgrounds are able to participate in Christmas without any apparent problems. Does everything have to be a "big deal" for us? Can't we just enjoy the warmth of the season? It’s not that I completely distance myself from the holiday. I enjoy wishing my family and friends a happy holiday. And I send cards to them and a few small gifts to special people in my life. After all, I want the people I love to know that I care about them and what is happening in their lives. (Which brings up a point that really irks me. Almost my entire family and friend circle knows we celebrate Chanukah instead of Christmas. So if I take the time to send Christmas cards to family and friends that I love, why do they either ignore us and not send a card at all, or send us a Christmas one? Why is the same respect not extended in return to us? Sigh)

So far, I've come up with 3 different scenarios of how I could celebrate Christmas.

#1 - I could go back to celebrating it as a Christian religious holiday, the celebration of the birth of Christ. But honestly, this really isn't an option any more. Since I no longer consider myself a Christian or believe in Jesus as a saviour/messiah figure, celebrating the holiday in this manner would cause too great of a conflict with my faith/belief system.

#2 - I could celebrate it as the purely pagan holiday it originally was. With decorated trees, winter solstice, yule log etc. just minus the baby Jesus. Again, this presents another conflict with my faith and religious convictions. (Pagan worshippers, in my mind, have every right to be upset with the fact that their holiday was hijacked by another religion.)

#3 - So I'm left with celebrating Christmas on a purely secular/materialistic level. Enjoy the festivities, the pretty lights and give gifts. This would allow for the warm fuzzies with family and friends but celebrating Christmas in this manner still offends me in a moral sense. How can I really participate in a holiday of mass consumerism? A holiday that stresses people out to the max and focuses on not only buying THE perfect gift but also on buying LOTS of perfect gifts. sigh. It's not for me.

I feel that "relationshipping" with people is extremely important and I want to continue to build these connections with my family/friends. I want to spend happy times with the special people in my life. I don't have this figured out yet. I wonder if I ever will. I wonder what it's like to live in a place where there is no Christmas. It must be a relief.

Coming Up For Air

Wow, it's getting close to 3 months since my last post here! That's so hard to believe. Where has the time gone? Well, for starters we are finally moved to a new place and trying to get settled. Hopefully over the next few weeks I can catch my breath and get caught up with all the other things in life, like posting on my blog! See you soon.

My Space

Wow, it seems like forever since I have posted here. Not much has happened since I was last here. Except my goats are gone. :( They left 2 weeks ago. That was a hard day and I miss them terribly.

The same weekend my girls went to their new homes a good friend was here from back "home". We spent a little over 48 hours of almost non-stop talking. We didn't solve the world's problems or come up with a plan for world peace but we spent quality time with each other and did a lot of catching up. It was like balm to my soul. I was grateful for her support and sensitivity to my pain in parting with the goats.

Hubby, oldest son and I spent 2 days last weekend taking in the Calgary Folk Music Festival and we had a wonderful time. It was great to lie in the beautiful hot sun listening to some fantastic music and appreciating each other's company. I really, really enjoyed myself. AND I got to hear one of my fave bands right now, Moshav! Awesome!

During my friend's visit we spent a large amount of time discussing our marriages and families. How things have turned out over the years, disappointments, joys, achievements, challenges, you get the picture.

So it fit right into my current state of mind when one of the Daily Dose from Chabad.org this week was titled Man and Woman. I'll copy it here for you to read.

Man and Woman-------------

It is a mistake to consider man and woman two separate beings. They are no more than two halves of a single form, two converse hemispheres that fit tightly together to make a perfect whole. They are heaven and earth encapsulated in flesh and blood.

It is only that on its way to enter this world, this sphere was shattered apart. What was once the infinity of a perfect globe became two finite surfaces. What was once a duet of sublime harmony became two bizarre solos of unfinished motions, of unresolved discord.

So much so, that each one hears in itself only half a melody, and so too it hears in the other. Each sees the other and says, "That is broken." Feigning wholeness, the two halves wander aimlessly in space alone.

Until each fragment allows itself to surrender, to admit that it too is broken. Only then can it search for the warmth it is missing. For the depth of its own self that was ripped away. For the harmony that will make sense of its song.

And in perfect union, two finite beings find in one another infinite beauty.

We discussed how we have struggled over the years with the traditional christian evangelical teaching of men being the head of the family and women being required to submit. We also talked a lot about how we've come to reject this view of the marriage relationship. And that word is key, key to marriage, key to family and key to life. That word is relationship. More on that later.

Back to marriage. I remember how free I felt when during a Torah study I came to understand that the Hebrew speaks to much more than woman being created from man. The idea being presented is much closer to a separating of genders. G-d made "man" or Adam in His own image, which encompasses both male and female essences. (Perhaps this is what G-d refers to when it is written "let us make man in our own image".)Thus adamah or red earth, the first human being contained both male and female genders. When Eve or "Chava" (the mother of life) was created it was G-d separating the genders into separate beings. So when man and woman marry, when their union is one of soul/spirit not just flesh they really can achieve a "one flesh" relationship in a heavenly sense. But it was never intended to be a relationship of domination or power of one over another. It's teamwork, a perfect union of becoming what once was.

In the midst of all this pondering and musing I was reminded of an experience I had several years ago after we first moved down here. Hubby and I went for some counselling sessions and the therapist used a very interesting exercise with us. For several (maybe more) weeks upon the beginning of the session we would sit in our chair, close our eyes, breath deeply and try to get a sense of our "center". Then each of us would take a piece of yarn and place it in a circle around our chair on the carpet. This represented the boundary of our own personal space. The exercise had been established because she felt that we had boundary issues in our relationship and there was a lack of respect for personal space. As an illustration it soon became apparent that I was making my circle much larger than it should be as a way to create a buffer zone from my spouse. He can be a very "in your face" type person and his perspective on boundaries and personal space was illustrated by how he placed his yarn either touching or overlapping mine. You get the picture. This may sound like a silly exercise but it was very profound for me.

Anyway, put this together with the Daily Dose of Wisdom from the Rebbe and my discussions with my friend. This solidified some ideas/thoughts bouncing around the inside of my head. I just want to be me. That's all. Then and only then will my relationships (with hubby, others and G-d) bring fulfillment and satisfaction. If I'm shrinking behind the "boundary" of who I am, my personal space so to speak, I'm less than I can be. This throws off the balance of a relationship. So to if I'm using more space, if I'm crossing my boundary and intruding into the space of others causing them to shrink back. Either situation throws a relationship off, making it lop-sided if you will. When a relationship is working as it should be it's a team, one person doesn't feel like they are carrying more or less of the "load". It's a harmony.

So that's my goal, to be in harmony with those around me and with G-d. To be myself, nothing more and definitely nothing less. It's scary learning to accept my personal boundaries and not being afraid to insist others respect them. It's also hard work to encourage and respect the establishment of personal space boundaries in those I love. But the rewards of properly balanced relationships will surely be worth it.

15 Seconds

15 seconds of fear. 15 seconds of panic. 15 seconds of terror. 15 seconds to live.

CLICK HERE

Shabbat Shalom

Shabbos kodesh

Shabbos, Shabbos kodesh

Shabbos kodesh

Shabbos, Shabbos kodesh

May your shabbat be blessed with peace, joy and holiness.

What Really Happened in the Middle East

Please make time to watch this short 10 minute presentation on the situation in the Middle East. It will be worth your time, I guarantee it. It is easy to get lost in all the rhetoric of the media and this will provide clarity. And please spread the message. People are waiting for our help.

http://www.terrorismawareness.org/what-really-happened/

The Road to Jerusalem

Today is an incredibly bleak and grey day at our house, weather-wise and emotionally. Not only have we been evicted from our home but now Matt has lost his job. It is raining buckets today and it feels very low. However, I have been reminded that rain is a blessing from heaven and along with the rain I was blessed by reading this article today. I am on my own journey to Jerusalem and reading this personal story has lifted my spirits. May it also lift yours.

From Germany to Jerusalem

Blog Carnivals

I'm really new to the whole Blog "thing" in cyberspace so please forgive my ignorance concerning Blog Carnivals. Anyway, it's a neat concept and I've just discovered this one, Haveil Havalim. Lots of interesting things to read over there. Enjoy! :)

Just Being Me

That's all I really want, to be the real me. To be the "me" that I was created to be, before the circumstances of life shaped this person I am today. Is it possible to be that person, to uncover the potential that is still there buried beneath layers of doubt, self-judgement and disappointments accumulated over the course of my life? Perhaps this is a rebirth. I like to think so.

Who is the real me? I believe she is a person with love for G-d and others, filled with compassion, creativity, curiosity, a zest for life, in awe of the creation and a desire, no thirst for truth in knowledge. She is a thoughtful and reflective person who enjoys using her brain and pondering the mysteries of life. Occasionally I can catch a glimpse of her before the burdens of this life block the light.

That's the person that I want to be accepted as. The person I want to be loved and valued as.

But the reality is that there will always be people who can't accept the real me. Intellectually I know this is true, emotionally I find it hard to deal with.

I'm having a hard time collecting and organizing my thoughts on this but I have a such a need to express and verbalize my feelings. This may well end up a jumbled, confused mess but I guess I'll take that chance.

So the current issue I'm struggling with is rejection. Rejection from people who I considered my friends. But because I have changed my position and perspective on certain theological and philisophical beliefs I find myself alienated from them. Strangely, I'm surprised and hurt that these people are no longer able to be close friends. I'm still the same person inside. Not much else has changed but why am I no longer acceptable in their eyes? I'm still the same thoughtful person seeking out truth and honesty where ever I can. Is there no value in our friendship anymore because I no longer "toe the party line"?

The challenge is to not allow this experience to add another layer over top of the "real me" so that my already dim light becomes even more obscured. Even better would be to use this experience to remove one of the layers. That's the hope anyway. I know she's there, waiting for me to find her.

Teenager Writes Novel About Gaza Disengagement

This is a poignantly written account of the Gush Katif expulsion in August 2005 from the perspective of 16 year old Shifra Shomron, formerly of N'vei Dekalim, now of Nitzan.

Please read the full book review at the link below. I know you will be touched by this story, told innocently by a teenager who lived through the experience. Grains of Sand: The Fall of N'vei Dekalim is available through various sources including Amazon.com.

(Complete book review by Hillel Fendel can be read here at Israel National News.)

40 Years Later

Tuesday was the 40 year anniversary of "The Six Day War". If you are unfamiliar with the facts of this war, I've posted the beginning of an article with the link to the full piece. Please read it and inform yourself so that you can be part of the process in combatting media bias.

The Six Day War: Forty Years On

Forty years have now passed since the "Six Day War" which resulted in Israeli control over the Sinai Peninsula, Gaza Strip, West Bank, eastern Jerusalem and the Golan Heights. Some media reports already refer to the fortieth anniversary of the "occupation."

The goal of this special report is to remind HonestReporting subscribers of the events of 1967 and Israel's administration of the disputed territories. We ask that you PRINT OUT AND PASS ON this special report to help you respond to some of the bias and misconceptions that will inevitably flood the international media over the coming weeks.

How Did the War Begin?

While June 5 marks the day that Israel initiated its military operation, it is important to note that the immediate Arab threats to wipe out Israel began in the preceding months. It is also critical to take the causes of the Six Day War into account before analyzing the resulting status of land taken as a result. International Law makes a clear distinction between land "occupied" during a war of aggression and land taken as a result of a defensive war.
This distinction explains why so many enemies of Israel are using this anniversary to rewrite history and falsely claim that the Six Day War was initiated by Israel in order to illegally capture land.

Complete article here.

New Life Brings New Hope for New Beginnings

Last night an intense storm hit our area, bringing a deluge of rain with an impressive light and sound show. It was the first real storm of the season for us.

Minutes before the rain started, our doe Cookie gave birth to 3 beautiful kids (2 doelings, 1 buckling). It took the help of a trusted goat breeder friend to deliver them but all safely made their passage into the world and all are doing well. What a relief!

The miracle of birth and new life never ceases to amaze me, no matter the species. I always hold my breath waiting for the little ones to take their first breath of life. Those first breaths of a new born are the most precious sound to my ears, (and then hopefully a squawk or two.) Every spring I am reminded of how fragile life really is.

But last night I knew in my heart this was the last kidding season for me. Just last week I was feeling crushed and devastated at the thought of ending my goat breeding adventures. Last night the L-rd showed me (again) that He knows best. I can’t seem to deal with the anxiety and stress that kidding season brings. Every year it gets worse for me and every year I tell myself it’s just the depression and next year will be better. It’s not happening and I don’t want to go through this again next year. Why I’m having such a hard time dealing with the stresses in life that should be routine matters is another question and I haven’t figured it out yet. However, it’s irrelevant at this point. I have to accept that it is happening and learn to deal with it instead of hoping it will go away. Everyone around me sees it happening. I do know that my problem is compounded by the fact that I am very hard on myself. I feel I used to be a very strong person and that I could handle most of what life brought my way. I now find that the smallest upset can cause me to burst into tears at the drop of a hat and I hate myself for it.

One would think that with each added year of goat breeding experience I would feel more comfortable in dealing with life’s surprises. I do have the knowledge and expertise to handle these situations myself but instead I find a paralyzing fear overtakes me and then it all goes downhill from there. I have lost faith in myself and cannot seem to trust my instincts or ability to make wise decisions. So it is time to face up to the situation and begin the process of exposing the root of the problem. A strange and sad sense of relief has come over me since I came to this realization.

Thankfully new life always brings new hope. This year it is hope for the new beginnings around the corner.

"Lift up your head, child, and open up your heart
Today is new day, we're gonna make a new start..."

~Moshav Band

Bouncing Around The Inside Of My Brain

More excerpts below from a recent email conversation with a friend. I know that other people ask themselves questions, maybe not these exact ones but similar. It still feels a bit lonely with all these questions and thoughts when so many people around me seem to (or act as if they do) have all the answers. I wonder if they are as secure on the inside as they appear on the outside?

This is one of my favourite quotes:

"You don't learn by having faith. You learn by questioning, by challenging, by re-examining everything you've ever believed.And yet, all this is a matter of faith -- the faith that there is a truth to be found.It is another paradox: To truly question, you must truly have faith."

A Daily Dose of Wisdom from the Rebbe-words and condensation by Tzvi Freeman

Excerpts**************************************

Perhaps the distinction between faith and religion has been blurred. Isn't it the how (religion) of living out one's faith is that which is seen on the outside? How does this definition of faith grab you? "Faith is to trust that the promises (G-d's) will come true." Abraham's wasn't a blind faith. He had faith that G-d would keep His word. I think G-d enjoys watching us use our brains to figure things out. He doesn't want blind faith followers. It makes Him proud when we use our intellect. Like any parent proud of their children's accomplishments................................

I used to feel hit over the head by that "scripture" too (Jsus/commandments) until I learned the context of the commandments. We were never taught that in Christianity. It's just not true that we can't keep the commandments or Jsus wouldn't have said it. The problem is that we think G-d expects them to be kept perfectly. And like I said the relationship isn't about perfection. Keeping commandments isn't a way to perfect ourselves, that is what Christianity falsely teaches. So we as Christians set aside the commandments but we're left with a gaping hole and a feeling of needing to do something. This is where we fall into trouble. Keeping commandments doesn't make anything less of a heart issue...........................................

From where I sit now there are 3 options to this puzzle we call life.

#1: Judaism is the only authentic expression of our relationship with G-d and is the key to eternal life.

#2: All religions are a valid expression of faith/spirituality and are keys to eternal life.

#3: There is no G-d, no eternal life.

I do not accept that Christianity is the ONLY way. I have learned too many things about Christianity. There is no way it is the ONLY way.

Have you ever considered how arrogant it must seem to the Jewish people that Christianity absconded their holy writings, told them that G-d has forsaken them and that they never understood G-d or their own holy writings. And then Christianity made a new religion out of their writings, added to it , told the Jews that only Christianity was the way and then forced them to convert to it?

Just Like That

I have a good beginning on a post about Shabbat and was planning on getting it posted today but it seems life has gotten in the way and I can't get my thoughts together to finish it. It will have to wait for another day. That's okay.

So, just like that, we are moving. Another of life's lessons not to take anything for granted because in the blink of an eye your life can change. No worries, nothing serious like a loss of physical life thankfully. However, it's still a loss. Yesterday, we were given an eviction notice for our rented home. We have 3 months to find a new place.

No big deal, right? 3 months is lots of time. Well, one would think so but not in the over-heated housing market in the region where we live. Plus we have all of our animals to consider. That's the hardest part. If it were just hubby and I, no problem. We most likely would quickly pack up and move soon so we could enjoy the summer in a new place. A new adventure! I'm up for that.

When we moved to this area 4 years ago we were extremely fortunate to find this place. Any acreage type rental properties are extremely rare, that meet our needs. The majority of acreages around here are priced above $2000 a month (plus utilities) and do not allow pets, let alone goats.

Our landlords are wonderful people and we have been blessed by the 4 years we have lived here. They have an opportunity in selling this property that would be crazy to pass up so we understand and support their decision but.........where do we go from here?

That is the question of the day, where now? This event, though traumatic, really does have an interesting story behind it as well. I'll try to be concise and share a small portion here.

I have been feeling a "restlessness" in my spirit since the winter, I think about January. It was the same kind of feeling I had for the months prior to us making the decision to move here. I told hubby that I felt like something was going to happen but I hoped I was imagining it because I wasn't ready yet for something big. We were caught up in the excitement with our trip to Israel, youngest daughter moving out and all the ups/downs of life, so this "feeling" got pushed aside. When we returned home from Israel again something didn't "feel" right but I couldn't put my finger on it. I told hubby that maybe our life needed a kickstart and we should do something radical to change it up. I also thought that it was just a "traveller's infatuation" after coming home to real life and it would pass. Until yesterday. We were told yesterday that our landlords have been struggling with their decision regarding the property for several months, since January in fact. Huh, interesting.

So, I guess I got the kickstart but not in the way I had imagined. But what about my much loved caprine friends? And yes, my goats are my friends. They have loved me through thick and thin. They accept me for who I am and love me in spite of all my faults and weaknesses. They don't complain nearly as much as the humans in my life. They listen to me without criticism and provide a connection to the creation that this country girl at heart needs to keep her sanity. They keep me grounded and my perspective balanced. They have taught me innumerable lessons, especially in the area of control. This is a problem area for me, I like to be in control. With animal husbandry (as with farming) you learn over and over again that there are things you cannot control, particularly nature and the weather.

I've said for several years that when the National ID program for goats came into effect in Canada that I would sell my small herd. That is supposed to happen in approx 18 - 24 months. I've also had moments in the past years when dealing with my depression that I contemplated selling. I had always envisioned that the time would come and I would get to the "place" in my heart where I knew it was time to let go and move on, but I wanted it to be my decision and on my terms. I remember now glibbly telling a friend before we left on our trip that maybe I would come back and decide I was selling. We laughed over that comment. I also don't want to invest a lot of money in another property only to come to the decision to part with my goats several months down the road. Hubby thinks I never would have come to a decision to sell on my own so it has to be made for me. sigh Only he really understands how important they are to me and bless his heart, he has spent a lot of his hard earned income on them. So he's probably right.

My goats are purebred, registered dairy goats and I am involved with showing. This provides a very welcome social side of animal husbandry. I've developed many friendships over the years by attending shows and goat related functions. This part of my life would be greatly missed, although I wouldn't miss all the goat hair up my nose and in my mouth from clipping! It never fails to be a windy day when it's time to get ready for a show. I wonder if these friendships could still be maintained without the common experience of owning/breeding/showing goats?

So I'm sitting here with thoughts and emotions churning wildly inside. What now? I know that something new and hopefully exciting is waiting around the corner but the decisions of the present are going to be difficult and even painful. Is it time to part with the critters and move into an urban setting? Can a country girl be happy in the city? What to do.

Travel, Tours and Eretz Israel

Well we've been home in Canada for almost 3 weeks now. That's longer than the time we were in Israel. That feels so odd!

Hubby and I went to Israel with a tour group this spring. It was our first "real" trip together in almost 18 years of marriage. We never had a honeymoon either. So this was a real special event for us. We planned and dreamed about it for almost a year and then in 2 quick weeks it was over. It leaves me with an almost "empty" feeling. I didn't expect that. I knew I would probably come home with a "traveller's infatuation" but I really did fall in love with The Land in the brief time we were there and I'm left with a feeling similar to homesickness.

Israel is too amazing for words! My experience was all I had expected it to be and more. However, the tour experience isn't for us. Don't get me wrong, the tour we were with was great. It was organized by terrific people, the guide and driver were fantastic and the other tour participants were a very nice group to travel with. But it was a first tour experience for us and I guess we hadn't really put much thought into what a tour experience is like. Our biggest frustration was not being able to spend more time in the places we visited, especially those places that we were really taken with. But now we know where to spend more time and where we didn't get to visit that we would like to next trip. And, yes, there will be another trip G-d willing! :)

My favourite places were, of course; Jerusalem, the Kinneret, the Golan, Tel Aviv, the Dead Sea and Ein Gedi. The view from Mount Carmel is spectacular. Oh and I also really enjoyed our camel ride! Wouldn't have missed that. :)

We arrived our first night in Israel to Jerusalem just as Shabbat preparations were in full swing. I was disappointed with not being able to attend Erev Shabbat prayers at the Wall but we spent time there Shabbat afternoon. I will treasure that time in my heart always. The atmosphere in Jerusalem and in particular in the Old City and near the Wall is incredible. I felt I could "taste" Shabbat.

We met some very special people while in Israel and we quickly became friends. That also was a blessing.

If you are interested in seeing some of our pictures they are posted on our Flicker page.

With Friends Like This, Who Needs Enemies?

According to this Jerusalem Post article, the US is aiding Fatah terrorists. I'm aghast.

I first read about this on Mystical Paths blog. He sums it pretty well and has additional links.

Another Death By Kassam In Sderot

The man killed in yesterday's Qassam attack drove to Sderot twice a week to service the computer networks of one of his clients - the Peretz Bonei Hanegev construction company. Oshri Oz, 35, had about 200 meters left to go to the company offices when the Qassam struck near his car.

Oz was born and raised in Bat Yam. In sixth grade he joined the Jaffa branch of the Sea Scouts and developed a great love for seafaring and marine animals. While he was in high school he was a volunteer instructor for informal marine-related educational activities, and he remained close to other volunteers. The evening before he was killed he had been at a reunion of the Sea Scouts. visiting and laughing with old friends, including - as it turns out - the paramedic who treated him at the scene of the attack the following day.

The deputy director of Peretz Bonei Hanegev, Eldar Tzror, said that, "Oshri was like a member of the family in the company. Yesterday morning he was late, and I thought he had gone to check the computers in one of our branch offices. But then the news came in. He was one minute away from our offices when it happened. Oshri was a charming, smiling guy, ready for any project. This is a great loss to our family and to us as an organization. We are in shock and can't absorb it."

He is survived by his wife Suzanna, who is in her sixth month of pregnancy, a three-year-old daughter and two sisters.

(This news report comes from The Lekarev Report 5/28/07. Sign up at www.lekarev.org )

New Music for My Soul

Just got a new CD today and it's very cool. The band is called Moshav and the CD is titled Misplaced. You can check out their website and listen to some tracks off the CD. They are playing the Folk Festival in Calgary this year so you can bet I'll be there!

www.moshavband.com

Did You Ask To Be Born?

This is the title of an article on the Chabad.org website. It is a very interesting interpretation/explanation/teaching (call it what you will) on Beresheit (Genesis) 1:26. I found it a fascinating concept to try to get my brain around. Judging by the comments left by readers on the website many did not find this take on scripture as fascinating as I did and some became quite offended. As was clearly stated in the article, the material being presented for consideration is only one of many explanations that have been offered over time.

It's been several months since I first read the article and it is never far from my thoughts. I can't help it, I find it well.....fascinating! :) As I have ruminated over this interpretation I have been motivated to "look for the good I chose". I have been battling with depression and/or depressive thoughts for many years now. Sometimes the only thought I seem to be able to express is "my life sucks". If this life was arbitrarily given to me, then I feel I have excellent grounds to complain to the one in charge of assigning lives because they screwed up majorly. OR perhaps, if I'm brave enough to open my mind and consider this powerful idea, I just might be motivated to look for this good I "chose". Obviously, if I did agree to this life I have, there must have been something worthwhile to choose. On days when the "my life sucks" tape in my brain is stuck in the on position, thinking through this article renews the hope in me that I do have a purpose in life and when I come to the end of this life, it won't have been lived in vain. Because if that "good that I chose" is/was used to bring light to someone else's darkness then it's all worth it, right?! Rats, that just sounds so cliche but you know what I mean, don't you? Because, my life really does suck when I'm living it so self-centeredly (is that a word?).

There is always a bigger picture in life, one that we can't see until our perspective changes.

If you are interested in reading the article for yourself go here: http://www.chabad.org/library/article.asp?AID=425923

Sderot: What IF this was your home town?

The world is standing idly by while the Kassam rockets rain down on Sderot. We need to make some noise on their behalf over here. The media is ignoring it and only reports if Israel reacts. Write your newspapers, write your tv stations, write your elected officials, tell someone! This is wrong and the Israeli people need and deserve our help however we can. Here's a video you can watch, then write a letter to the newspaper. Send it to all your family and friends. ws.collactive.com/points/point?id=t58xjwleEPOM Click on the link "Honest Reporting" in the sidebar for more info on the situation in Sderot and media bias.

Late Night Musings

This is from an email conversation with one of my closest friends. She felt it was worth being a blog post, so here it is. I'm sure someone will have something to respond. :) I feel very vulnerable at this moment as I click the "publish post" button.

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Do you think that our problems with acceptance and love for our self (or lack there of) stems from an unconscious (or perhaps even conscious) belief that we are unlovable? If so, why would we believe such a thing when we've been taught that Jsus/G-d loves us? Maybe deep down we don't believe He really loves us? Is this strictly a problem we have because of life experience or is it shaped and fed by our religious ideas/beliefs? If we truly are able to grasp that we are loved by Jsus/G-d then what prevents us from loving and accepting ourselves? If we struggle with self-love and self-acceptance doesn't this reinforce our perception that we are unlovable or that we are failing at practicing our religion?

Somehow there has been a seed imbedded in our psyche and it has grown into an uncontrollable weed, much like a dandelion. We do our best to eradicate it but it always comes back. We cannot love ourselves because we are not perfect. We are not perfect because there is something wrong with us and it's our own fault. We are taught that since the Fall in the Garden we are depraved creatures, born sinners. Even with the Jsus religion telling us that only He can make us perfect we still keep trying. Because we are taught that any sign of imperfection is our fault. We are failing somewhere in our faith and that failure is manifesting itself in our lives through our constant struggling with ______ (fill in the blank).

Why do we always feel dissatisfaction with the fruits of our faith? Why do we feel farther away from our spiritual goals even though we try harder and harder? Why do we keep going from one Christian sect to another hoping to find "the Way"? Why do we always blame ourselves for taking back our burdens after having "given it all to G-d"? What is the reason we don't seem to have victory over the struggles in our lives when it seems like we do all that is asked of us and more? Doesn't this just keep the blame game (to ourselves) going?

Perhaps the problem isn't with us and our perceived inabilities to fully grasp the spirit-filled life or truly understand His Grace. Perhaps the problem is with the actual religion??? Perhaps what we think G-d expects of us (what our religion tells us He expects) and what He actually expects are vastly different? Perhaps Christianity is a man-made religion of fear, bondage and oppression and that's why it's not working for us.

Or perhaps there is no real G-d after all and the problem is religion period.