That's all I really want, to be the real me. To be the "me" that I was created to be, before the circumstances of life shaped this person I am today. Is it possible to be that person, to uncover the potential that is still there buried beneath layers of doubt, self-judgement and disappointments accumulated over the course of my life? Perhaps this is a rebirth. I like to think so.
Who is the real me? I believe she is a person with love for G-d and others, filled with compassion, creativity, curiosity, a zest for life, in awe of the creation and a desire, no thirst for truth in knowledge. She is a thoughtful and reflective person who enjoys using her brain and pondering the mysteries of life. Occasionally I can catch a glimpse of her before the burdens of this life block the light.
That's the person that I want to be accepted as. The person I want to be loved and valued as.
But the reality is that there will always be people who can't accept the real me. Intellectually I know this is true, emotionally I find it hard to deal with.
I'm having a hard time collecting and organizing my thoughts on this but I have a such a need to express and verbalize my feelings. This may well end up a jumbled, confused mess but I guess I'll take that chance.
So the current issue I'm struggling with is rejection. Rejection from people who I considered my friends. But because I have changed my position and perspective on certain theological and philisophical beliefs I find myself alienated from them. Strangely, I'm surprised and hurt that these people are no longer able to be close friends. I'm still the same person inside. Not much else has changed but why am I no longer acceptable in their eyes? I'm still the same thoughtful person seeking out truth and honesty where ever I can. Is there no value in our friendship anymore because I no longer "toe the party line"?
The challenge is to not allow this experience to add another layer over top of the "real me" so that my already dim light becomes even more obscured. Even better would be to use this experience to remove one of the layers. That's the hope anyway. I know she's there, waiting for me to find her.
1 comment:
I can really, really relate to this post. I've done my fair share of scratching my head wondering how people who one day were warm and loving and seemingly the next were distant because I chose a different path than they.
I just want to be me, too.
Much love,
Hope
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